The Dark Cloud of Grief

I wanted to post an entry tonight about what I've learned so far about Residential school and how my decision making process is going.  My head continues to buzz incessantly.  I've got so much to say, but I'm almost too upset to think clearly.  Tomorrow is Kearney's IEP meeting.  This was the scheduled annual meeting in which my plan was to fight for increased home programming hours.  However, the acceptance offer which was extended to us from the May Institute last week has altered the trajectory of things and is sure to be the main topic of conversation.  This will be highly emotional and entirely upsetting for me.  I am dreading it.

I continue to become more educated about the option, weighing it against  the alternative of keeping her home with some extra supports.  I'm finally able to see that the custody/living arrangements that have been in place for the past several years are not working.  I was expecting too much from her father and the back and forth between households has not been ideal for her.   Implementing a consistent and intense home program across the two homes would never really be successful under these circumstances.  Without getting into details I will just leave it at that.  I can now see quite clearly that either I accept the May Institute placement, or I take on the full burden of home programming 5 days per week in my home.  It would be unrealistic to assume I could do this, do it well and avoid burnout.  Not to mention the toll it would take on my son, or my sanity. 

That said, I'm not ready to sign on the dotted line yet.  There is so much more info to be gathered, yet the grief of it all has already settled like a dark cloud over my path.  When I named the blog grand theft autism this is what I meant.  So much has been stolen, and I'm feeling like I'm right on the verge of losing the little bit of her that I still had.  All in the name of helping her to learn how to function in our world.  I'm beginning to accept that I can't swathe and protect her forever without limiting her growth.  We may be lucky to have this option, but it still feels like theft to me.